A Little Bit of Crazy

 I don't have much to say today. I should have been 20 weeks today, but instead, I am grieving what could have been.

 Does anyone else love all this rain we have been getting? Sure it makes it hard to do a lot outside, but it fills our well and that is the top priority. I wish it would not rain where my husband is working since he works outside and some machines don't work in it, but I love it when it rains at our house. We get literal puddles, the kind you want to jump in, but you don't know how deep they are, so you hold yourself back. Our chicken likes it too, it means more bugs for her to find.  My kids like it too, but as deep as some of these puddles are, I would never find them in their "swimming" holes.  If the rain would like to turn into snow, I would be extremely happy and full of gratitude!

 Tears falling. I don't know what to say anymore. I don't get asked how I am anymore. Everyone has moved on, but I can't. Or maybe I don't want to, I'm not sure. It feels like I am forgetting River if I move on. Some days are definitely easier than others, but some days...boy, they are literal torture. I cried multiple times in Target last night. I skipped over the baby aisles but still saw the maternity section. I dream of who and what River would be. I am torn over wanting River to be a girl (but that means I lost my first daughter) or a boy (which means I lost my 5th son), both hurt, and both suck. I still dream of having a daughter, but I am so scared that this will happen again. Indeed, you don't know what this is like until it happens to you. I was always so empathetic to friends who lost a baby, but I never truly knew how much they hurt. It is the only loss where the death happens in your body, but it isn't your death. It is a pain that can not be ful...

 I named my sweet baby, River Willow. I picked that name out because it meant something to me in my pain. I received a card from someone today, they called my baby Forest. Never did I think of the name Forest, I actually don't like the name. The hurt I felt when I saw that. The pain that stabbed me in the heart, when I saw that someone called my baby a different name. If River had lived, it wouldn't have mattered, it has happened multiple times with my 4 older kids, but the fact that this sweet child is gone, do not say their name wrong. You could stab me in the heart, and it would hurt less. I want to say something to this person, but I won't, I will hold it in and cry...a lot. We have to do better, call a baby by their name, it means something to their parents. Don't break their heart again.

 Do you ever feel like life just won't slow down? Some days I try to do everything and then, life hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel overwhelmed and can't calm down. Well this week, my husband has an out-of-state trip and we are halfway through it, YAY! The last one was 4 days and all 4 kids, plus me had flu A. It was miserable, but the kids slept a lot so we just rested as much as possible and watched TV. I cried quite a lot during that time because I felt so tired from taking care of the kids, not taking care of me, and still grieving baby River. This time, everyone is healthy, but they are going full throttle and I am tired. I am worn out. Today I would have been 19 weeks and the grief is overwhelming me today. I knew that this week was going to be a bit chaotic, so I made a meal plan and crafts to keep the kids busy. We also have school, cooking, taking care of our animals, laundry, showers, dishes, cleaning the whole house, and on and on and on. It is a lot today, but...

 Does anybody else just wish bills would disappear? You get paid, just for every last cent to be spent on bills. It is hard, especially when the company you or your spouse work for, doesn't do pay raises unless you get a higher position, even if you have worked there for a while. Although inflation goes up, pay stays the same and honestly, I think that is wrong. If your workers can't even afford to pay their basic bills, then they get a second job, which means for some, working 7 days a week with no break or family time. This isn't living, it's not even surviving, and it sure as heck isn't thriving. My husband works 2 jobs and we still struggle with our bills. We were able to lower one, but how much is that really going to help, when he is so tired, that he can't work. At what point does an employer notice that an employee is struggling and notice the inflation keeps rising, then say, wait 6 more months, then come talk to me? This is just the top boss, while low...

https://ckscrafting.etsy.com Just a few items that my 10-year-old makes and sells!

 I remember being 5 years old and wanting to be a ballerina or even a veterinarian. Life didn't fall into place the way I would have wanted it to. Instead, I am a stay-at-home mom of 4 boys, with a sweet angel baby. We have a mini homestead, that I would seriously like to grow and it is everything I could have dreamed of, plus more. I still want more animals (cue the song "Never Enough" from The Greatest Showman). My kids love the ability to learn to homestead, and I am enjoying the experience with them. We bake homemade bread, and our mixes (brownies, muffins, and pancakes) from scratch, and when our chicken lays eggs, we have fresh eggs. We are trying to be self-sufficient and we are one step closer every day.  I never knew that my dreams would turn into this, but I am all for it!

 I wanted to say something yesterday, but I didn't have the words. I'm not sure if I have the words now either but River deserves my thoughts.  1. I am angry. I am angry at myself. I am angry at God. I am angry at the stress that I went through during early pregnancy. 2. My heart hurts. Now most people ask, Just emotionally right? It's physically hurting and emotionally cracked in half.  3. I hate my body. It failed. It failed at a time when I needed it to be supportive and work properly, but it didn't. 4. I miss River. No, I never technically met River, but there is a closeness that a mom and preborn baby have. I may have never met River, but I knew River.  5. I cry...a lot. I cry when I see something that I craved during pregnancy. I cry when I eat something that I couldn't have during pregnancy. I cry when I see a small infant. I cry when I see a pregnant mom. I cry when I go into stores and see the baby aisles. I cry when I see baby clothes that I would have wan...

Homeschooling took an extended break in our home. We were going to hit the ground running after 1st trimester morning sickness, but I lost River and struggled to get going again. My oldest is now back to working hard at 6th grade and trying to get through the review sections, so he can get to 7th grade. My 2nd son struggles with reading, so we are taking time to practice that while letting him practice real-life scenarios, like math skills are budgeting for meals, and cooking (measurements). He is in 2nd grade and zooming through all but reading. Mr. 5-year-old is in a mixture of Preschool and Kindergarten. He can recognize many letters but is not quite ready to read. He is a wild child and needs lots of breaks and playtime. My 2-year-old is in playschool. We talk about colors, play with blocks, sing songs, and just have fun, but he will not be ready for sit-down school for a while longer. When I hear that parents don't feel they are equipped to homeschool it bothers me. I didn...

 When CK wants to make something, he wants to make it now. I usually allow it, but sometimes, I tell him he needs to wait. Well, last night he really wanted to make new keychains, but his beads were not separated. If you have ever had to separate around 4,000 pony beads, it is time-consuming. I helped him and we took about 2 full hours doing it, but he said he would keep them separated from now on. He decided to make snakes today as keychains. If you don't mind checking out his Etsy page, it would mean the world to him. Thanks! ckscrafting.etsy.com

 My son "owns" CK's Crafting on Etsy with me. He is 10 years old and wanted a way to make a little money. Well, he now has 3 items on Etsy for sale. He has Rainbow Loom bracelets, rings, and pony bead keychains (Hello 90s). If you don't mind checking it out that would mean the world to him. Thank you! Sales are happening soon!  Jan. 16-Feb. 7, 2024 (35% off 5 or more items) Jan. 22-Feb. 19, 2024 (25% off 1 or more items) These are fun for Valentine's Day or just a cute gift. ckscrafting.etsy.com

 Yes, I know that winter started last month, but we haven't gotten much snow or even ice. Well, my 3 big kids are outside playing in the snow and ice that is coming down. They have plenty of warmth and keep hiding in the goat's shed, then come out yelling, "Snow!!!". I think that today is going to be a day they remember for a while. My 5 year old after being informed that it was freezing rain, was so excited that he went and told his older brothers that it was ice raining. Then it started snowing, so he said it was snowy ice rain. This kid has quite the personality.  After they come inside, we will be having crockpot hot chocolate with mini marshmallows. I hope everyone has a warm, snuggly day!

If you had asked me after my papa died, did I still believe God is good, I would have emphatically said YES! He saved my papa from a life that would have been painful and difficult. He had lived his life and it was a good one. He had 6 grandchildren who loved him and 2 children who thought the world of him. He was amazing and had a great life. People have made comments since I lost River. Simple comments that many people don't even realize they are making. "At least River didn't feel pain", "Imagine what it is going to feel like when you get to Heaven and you hear that little voice that yells Mama!!!!", "Just think, River closed their eyes and opened them to the face of Jesus", none of these comments make me feel good inside. They hurt. I question God daily, does He really love me, why would He cause River to die, is He really good? My sweet baby didn't even have a chance to live, to enjoy life. I am numb most of the day, then it hits me hard b...

 Today started in a whirlwind of chaos. My husband was getting ready for work and I was getting a little sleep. Well, my oldest wakes me up to tell me that his little brother had sprinkled pink calamine lotion all over the house, but especially all over the carpet. Perfect...just how I wanted to start my day. I decided to do something for myself, something that my midwife told me to do since I lost River. Well, the flour bag exploded and the flour went everywhere. The vacuum decided to stop working while I was cleaning up. The kids didn't want to clean their room, so I went a little crazy and yelled. I regret yelling, I really do, I have been a pretty calm mom and this morning just pushed me over. Between yesterday being 4 weeks since I lost River and my PPD hitting a bit hard lately, I have not taken care of myself very well. I have needed someone to help, but honestly, it's been on me. It's on me to take care of all 4 kids, and myself, but that is not easy when you are in...

 I never expected this blog to become a journal of sorts for my miscarriage, but here we are. Broken. Overwhelmed. Hurt. Angry. Fear of the unknown. Scared. Unsure. These are all feelings that I have gone through every day since I lost River. It feels like my heart literally broke into tiny pieces and I am stuck searching for the missing pieces. I have no hope of ever putting it back together fully, but I hope over time, I can place them all in the same place. I feel overwhelmed with all of the feelings and I am not used to having all of this chaos in my mind all the time. I have had postpartum depression and anxiety after 3 kids, so overwhelming chaos is normal, but this is different. I am hurt, I feel it's my fault and I did something wrong, so my whole body aches without River. I am angry, angry at myself, angry at God, angry at my midwife, and angry at the ER that I went to and found out about River. I have fear, fear that I may never be able to carry a child to birth again, fe...

 I heal through music. The problem is, that music isn't helping this time. Any songs I find that are "miscarriage" related, are not great. They all seem to make me feel worse, either because they say something "silly" like, Heaven needed you more, or you weren't ready for Earth. Well of course River wasn't ready for Earth, my baby died at 10 weeks in my uterus, which is way before a baby is ready to be born. Why do people think hearing these things is healing, they freaking hurt. It makes me feel like in some way, I am not a good enough mom. Do they mean Heaven is better than I am at parenting? I guess for some, people assume that we are okay with hearing our baby has gone on to a "better place", but in my mind, why weren't my arms the perfect place? My heart hurts, my arms ache for a baby...my baby. Having to tell people that River isn't going to take their place in my home or my arms, was heartbreaking. I felt, and at times, still fee...

 For me, grief has appeared as all of these. Right now, I am experiencing all, but keeping busy. The idea of doing anything is overwhelming at this point. I remember when I lost my papa, I was 16 and I felt all of these, but no one cared and they expected me to keep going. After my miscarriage 3 weeks ago, I physically can't do anything. Blogging takes everything out of me. I watch true crime documentaries and hang out with my kids. Life has become hard, harder than any other experience in my life.

 Why are stay-at-home jobs so hard to find? I live in the middle of nowhere, which I love, but that means that very few people are hiring from my "neck of the woods". I just want to make enough money to buy some groceries or for a kid's day out. Does anyone have any ideas of jobs that are flexible enough for me to work nights one day and during naptime the next? Life is hard these days. Inflation makes groceries impossible to buy for some families and the idea of moving, well forget that, the prices of houses have doubled and tripled lately. Thanks for any ideas.

 Sweet baby River Willow was born on December 15, 2023. I was 13 weeks and 3 days pregnant, and River stopped growing at 10 weeks and 2 days (Thanksgiving). My heart is broken and I struggle with my anger and hate for myself. Why couldn't I keep my baby alive? Why did God take River? Everyone tells me it isn't my fault, but I don't believe it. How did I mess up so badly, that I lost my baby? I had stopped all caffeine, and I was eating healthy, when I could eat (thanks to morning sickness), how did I fail my baby? I followed "the rules" of pregnancy, yet here I am a little over 3 weeks later, full of anger and hatred. I sucked at eating and following "the rules" with my first 4 kids, but they were healthy and perfect at birth. I know I will never know what happened until I ask God in Heaven, but I have to live with this hurt and overwhelming sadness for the rest of my life. People have told me that I should be happy that I have 4 healthy boys already, bu...