Not a happy update

 Sweet baby River Willow was born on December 15, 2023. I was 13 weeks and 3 days pregnant, and River stopped growing at 10 weeks and 2 days (Thanksgiving). My heart is broken and I struggle with my anger and hate for myself. Why couldn't I keep my baby alive? Why did God take River? Everyone tells me it isn't my fault, but I don't believe it. How did I mess up so badly, that I lost my baby? I had stopped all caffeine, and I was eating healthy, when I could eat (thanks to morning sickness), how did I fail my baby? I followed "the rules" of pregnancy, yet here I am a little over 3 weeks later, full of anger and hatred. I sucked at eating and following "the rules" with my first 4 kids, but they were healthy and perfect at birth. I know I will never know what happened until I ask God in Heaven, but I have to live with this hurt and overwhelming sadness for the rest of my life. People have told me that I should be happy that I have 4 healthy boys already, but that's just cruel, of course, I am grateful for my boys, yet I can still be saddened that I never got to meet River and love my baby. River was due the day before my oldest was supposed to turn 11, my kids are late, so I wasn't truly expecting a baby until early July. I now get the privilege of being broken on my child's birthday. Yay me! I never heard River's heartbeat, but I know River heard mine. River only knew love, never pain. River never heard an unkind word pointed at them. My heart will always yearn to hold and love my baby. I am 1 in 4 and I don't like it one bit.

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