Music

 I heal through music. The problem is, that music isn't helping this time. Any songs I find that are "miscarriage" related, are not great. They all seem to make me feel worse, either because they say something "silly" like, Heaven needed you more, or you weren't ready for Earth. Well of course River wasn't ready for Earth, my baby died at 10 weeks in my uterus, which is way before a baby is ready to be born. Why do people think hearing these things is healing, they freaking hurt. It makes me feel like in some way, I am not a good enough mom. Do they mean Heaven is better than I am at parenting? I guess for some, people assume that we are okay with hearing our baby has gone on to a "better place", but in my mind, why weren't my arms the perfect place? My heart hurts, my arms ache for a baby...my baby. Having to tell people that River isn't going to take their place in my home or my arms, was heartbreaking. I felt, and at times, still feel like I must have failed River in some way. I wore the same sweatshirt for 2 weeks because it made me feel closer to River. I can't bear the idea of burying my sweet baby, how do people do this? It's wrong, some moms do drugs, or drink alcohol through their whole pregnancy, but I do everything right, and I lose my baby? How does this make sense? I know I should be "happy" that I have 4 perfect boys already, but there is a hole in my heart, that will never be filled. I have to live knowing that I have one child that will never grow up, I will never start school with them, I will never see River walk, hear River talk, I get nothing, except excruciating pain. I will have to live with this hole, that gets bigger and harder to deal with daily.