4 weeks

 I never expected this blog to become a journal of sorts for my miscarriage, but here we are.

Broken. Overwhelmed. Hurt. Angry. Fear of the unknown. Scared. Unsure.

These are all feelings that I have gone through every day since I lost River. It feels like my heart literally broke into tiny pieces and I am stuck searching for the missing pieces. I have no hope of ever putting it back together fully, but I hope over time, I can place them all in the same place. I feel overwhelmed with all of the feelings and I am not used to having all of this chaos in my mind all the time. I have had postpartum depression and anxiety after 3 kids, so overwhelming chaos is normal, but this is different. I am hurt, I feel it's my fault and I did something wrong, so my whole body aches without River. I am angry, angry at myself, angry at God, angry at my midwife, and angry at the ER that I went to and found out about River. I have fear, fear that I may never be able to carry a child to birth again, fear of not fully completing my family. Scared that this is as good as it gets. Unsure if I even want to try to complete my family. River was supposed to complete our family, River would be baby 5 and our family of 7 would be complete in my eyes. Now whether God chose to give us more after River, was up to Him, but 7 seemed complete to me. 

I loved our family of 6, but something about 1 more little one seemed right, yet, they were supposed to be in my arms, not in Heaven. I have experienced pain, heartbreak, and loss, all hurt in their own way, but losing a child that you were supposed to give birth to and raise is a new brand of loss. This loss changes you from the inside out and it is killing me inside. I loved River and my sweet baby only felt love, but that love never got to flourish into this deep overwhelming love that my 4 big boys feel every second of the day. I will always love River, even through this loss, I never stopped loving River, I will never get to know if River is a male or female, so I gave a name for both. River for male, Willow for female. 

It has been 4 long weeks of anguish, at times wondering if I would even make it to the next day. I keep praying for answers. Why my baby? Why me? How do choose if I want another one? How do I know that I won't go through this again? All questions that I really want answers to, but I am afraid of the answers as well. 

For now, I get to live with the grief, the pain, the anguish. They say the grief will never go away, but it will fade, yet I still have overwhelming grief from my papa's passing 17 years ago and it has never faded. 

I hope to one day, be a happier person again. I hope to feel worthy of having another baby. I hope to feel loved again. I hope to be in a better place one day.

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