5 weeks (yesterday)

 I wanted to say something yesterday, but I didn't have the words. I'm not sure if I have the words now either but River deserves my thoughts. 

1. I am angry. I am angry at myself. I am angry at God. I am angry at the stress that I went through during early pregnancy.

2. My heart hurts. Now most people ask, Just emotionally right? It's physically hurting and emotionally cracked in half. 

3. I hate my body. It failed. It failed at a time when I needed it to be supportive and work properly, but it didn't.

4. I miss River. No, I never technically met River, but there is a closeness that a mom and preborn baby have. I may have never met River, but I knew River. 

5. I cry...a lot. I cry when I see something that I craved during pregnancy. I cry when I eat something that I couldn't have during pregnancy. I cry when I see a small infant. I cry when I see a pregnant mom. I cry when I go into stores and see the baby aisles. I cry when I see baby clothes that I would have wanted to buy for River.

6. I am distant. I am distant from family and friends. I don't want to talk about River, but I also have to talk about River. No one knows how I feel, it is impossible for them to, but I don't need to hear their pity either.

7. I spend more time with my 4 kids now. I know loss in a different way than before. 

8. I hate reading. I can't get into a book anymore. I get bored when I read, while before, I could read a book every night and crave another one.

9. I feel like a burden to everyone. I feel they are trying to keep me from crying, so instead of talking to me about River, they go to the easy subjects, like the weather or their job. 

All of this to say, speak out about your miscarriage, baby loss, or any loss honestly. We can not keep telling ourselves it's okay to be silent, because it isn't. Our loss is important. Our loss is significant and we deserve to cry in public if needed. No more silence.