Needing a break

 Do you ever feel like life just won't slow down? Some days I try to do everything and then, life hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel overwhelmed and can't calm down. Well this week, my husband has an out-of-state trip and we are halfway through it, YAY! The last one was 4 days and all 4 kids, plus me had flu A. It was miserable, but the kids slept a lot so we just rested as much as possible and watched TV. I cried quite a lot during that time because I felt so tired from taking care of the kids, not taking care of me, and still grieving baby River. This time, everyone is healthy, but they are going full throttle and I am tired. I am worn out. Today I would have been 19 weeks and the grief is overwhelming me today. I knew that this week was going to be a bit chaotic, so I made a meal plan and crafts to keep the kids busy. We also have school, cooking, taking care of our animals, laundry, showers, dishes, cleaning the whole house, and on and on and on. It is a lot today, but if I don't get it done, then it will partially fall on my husband and what kind of wife am I if I leave everything for him when he gets home? I'm dehydrating tomatoes for tomato powder, baking bread, keeping the kids in one piece, blogging, homesteading, homeschooling, and the exhaustion is real. I don't get me time the whole time my husband is gone and honestly, after losing River, I don't know how to take time for me. My time becomes remembering that River is gone and truly hating myself. 

I say I need a break, but not from my kids. I need a break from the non-stop grieving. It becomes overwhelming most days and everyone's "cure" is to be put on meds. I don't agree with that. If I am on meds, I may forget or be unable to "feel" the grief to heal. I never want a "true" break from my kids. I just want them to go to bed at a reasonable hour so I can go to bed. It will be 6 weeks since I lost River on Friday and I am not looking forward to it. 

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