6 weeks

 Tears falling. I don't know what to say anymore. I don't get asked how I am anymore. Everyone has moved on, but I can't. Or maybe I don't want to, I'm not sure. It feels like I am forgetting River if I move on. Some days are definitely easier than others, but some days...boy, they are literal torture. I cried multiple times in Target last night. I skipped over the baby aisles but still saw the maternity section. I dream of who and what River would be. I am torn over wanting River to be a girl (but that means I lost my first daughter) or a boy (which means I lost my 5th son), both hurt, and both suck. I still dream of having a daughter, but I am so scared that this will happen again. Indeed, you don't know what this is like until it happens to you. I was always so empathetic to friends who lost a baby, but I never truly knew how much they hurt. It is the only loss where the death happens in your body, but it isn't your death. It is a pain that can not be fully described, only felt. 

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