A Little Bit of Crazy

 No one told me how hard it was going to be to plan a vacation during a time when I should still be pregnant, yet I am not. I think of what I would like to eat while pregnant, but then I remind myself, no reason to keep any foods away. It stings deep down, knowing that we don't do vacations on years I give birth, but here I am, planning one because my mental health is so bad. If I don't get away, I fear for how much worse I will be mentally. I keep telling myself that it's okay to be sad and it's also okay to be happy and enjoy myself, but it feels like I am betraying River if I am happy. This is a very confusing time for me. I want to show joy and enjoy every moment, but I am still not there yet.

 Tears falling. I don't know what to say anymore. I don't get asked how I am anymore. Everyone has moved on, but I can't. Or maybe I don't want to, I'm not sure. It feels like I am forgetting River if I move on. Some days are definitely easier than others, but some days...boy, they are literal torture. I cried multiple times in Target last night. I skipped over the baby aisles but still saw the maternity section. I dream of who and what River would be. I am torn over wanting River to be a girl (but that means I lost my first daughter) or a boy (which means I lost my 5th son), both hurt, and both suck. I still dream of having a daughter, but I am so scared that this will happen again. Indeed, you don't know what this is like until it happens to you. I was always so empathetic to friends who lost a baby, but I never truly knew how much they hurt. It is the only loss where the death happens in your body, but it isn't your death. It is a pain that can not be ful...

 Do you ever feel like life just won't slow down? Some days I try to do everything and then, life hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel overwhelmed and can't calm down. Well this week, my husband has an out-of-state trip and we are halfway through it, YAY! The last one was 4 days and all 4 kids, plus me had flu A. It was miserable, but the kids slept a lot so we just rested as much as possible and watched TV. I cried quite a lot during that time because I felt so tired from taking care of the kids, not taking care of me, and still grieving baby River. This time, everyone is healthy, but they are going full throttle and I am tired. I am worn out. Today I would have been 19 weeks and the grief is overwhelming me today. I knew that this week was going to be a bit chaotic, so I made a meal plan and crafts to keep the kids busy. We also have school, cooking, taking care of our animals, laundry, showers, dishes, cleaning the whole house, and on and on and on. It is a lot today, but...

 I wanted to say something yesterday, but I didn't have the words. I'm not sure if I have the words now either but River deserves my thoughts.  1. I am angry. I am angry at myself. I am angry at God. I am angry at the stress that I went through during early pregnancy. 2. My heart hurts. Now most people ask, Just emotionally right? It's physically hurting and emotionally cracked in half.  3. I hate my body. It failed. It failed at a time when I needed it to be supportive and work properly, but it didn't. 4. I miss River. No, I never technically met River, but there is a closeness that a mom and preborn baby have. I may have never met River, but I knew River.  5. I cry...a lot. I cry when I see something that I craved during pregnancy. I cry when I eat something that I couldn't have during pregnancy. I cry when I see a small infant. I cry when I see a pregnant mom. I cry when I go into stores and see the baby aisles. I cry when I see baby clothes that I would have wan...

If you had asked me after my papa died, did I still believe God is good, I would have emphatically said YES! He saved my papa from a life that would have been painful and difficult. He had lived his life and it was a good one. He had 6 grandchildren who loved him and 2 children who thought the world of him. He was amazing and had a great life. People have made comments since I lost River. Simple comments that many people don't even realize they are making. "At least River didn't feel pain", "Imagine what it is going to feel like when you get to Heaven and you hear that little voice that yells Mama!!!!", "Just think, River closed their eyes and opened them to the face of Jesus", none of these comments make me feel good inside. They hurt. I question God daily, does He really love me, why would He cause River to die, is He really good? My sweet baby didn't even have a chance to live, to enjoy life. I am numb most of the day, then it hits me hard b...

 Today started in a whirlwind of chaos. My husband was getting ready for work and I was getting a little sleep. Well, my oldest wakes me up to tell me that his little brother had sprinkled pink calamine lotion all over the house, but especially all over the carpet. Perfect...just how I wanted to start my day. I decided to do something for myself, something that my midwife told me to do since I lost River. Well, the flour bag exploded and the flour went everywhere. The vacuum decided to stop working while I was cleaning up. The kids didn't want to clean their room, so I went a little crazy and yelled. I regret yelling, I really do, I have been a pretty calm mom and this morning just pushed me over. Between yesterday being 4 weeks since I lost River and my PPD hitting a bit hard lately, I have not taken care of myself very well. I have needed someone to help, but honestly, it's been on me. It's on me to take care of all 4 kids, and myself, but that is not easy when you are in...

 I never expected this blog to become a journal of sorts for my miscarriage, but here we are. Broken. Overwhelmed. Hurt. Angry. Fear of the unknown. Scared. Unsure. These are all feelings that I have gone through every day since I lost River. It feels like my heart literally broke into tiny pieces and I am stuck searching for the missing pieces. I have no hope of ever putting it back together fully, but I hope over time, I can place them all in the same place. I feel overwhelmed with all of the feelings and I am not used to having all of this chaos in my mind all the time. I have had postpartum depression and anxiety after 3 kids, so overwhelming chaos is normal, but this is different. I am hurt, I feel it's my fault and I did something wrong, so my whole body aches without River. I am angry, angry at myself, angry at God, angry at my midwife, and angry at the ER that I went to and found out about River. I have fear, fear that I may never be able to carry a child to birth again, fe...