What is happening????

 Today started in a whirlwind of chaos. My husband was getting ready for work and I was getting a little sleep. Well, my oldest wakes me up to tell me that his little brother had sprinkled pink calamine lotion all over the house, but especially all over the carpet. Perfect...just how I wanted to start my day. I decided to do something for myself, something that my midwife told me to do since I lost River. Well, the flour bag exploded and the flour went everywhere. The vacuum decided to stop working while I was cleaning up. The kids didn't want to clean their room, so I went a little crazy and yelled. I regret yelling, I really do, I have been a pretty calm mom and this morning just pushed me over. Between yesterday being 4 weeks since I lost River and my PPD hitting a bit hard lately, I have not taken care of myself very well. I have needed someone to help, but honestly, it's been on me. It's on me to take care of all 4 kids, and myself, but that is not easy when you are in the middle of grief. Grief has hit me in different ways and I struggle with the basics of taking care of myself some days. I can keep on top of caring for the kids, but somehow taking care of myself, is almost too much. I feel like the fact that I blame myself for the loss of River, is why I struggle with self-care. Why do self-care if you can't take care of an unborn baby? I know that early baby loss is not my fault, but try telling my heart and brain that. It isn't that simple.

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