A Little Bit of Crazy

 I know I just came back to blogging, but family sickness took me away for a few days. It's just a cold, but when 4 kids get sick, it takes up A LOT of my time. We used Vitamin C, elderberry, and all the orange juice. I kept these kids hydrated with water and tea with honey. I think we are on the upswing, but my husband may have caught it from the boys. OOPS! Thankfully, I seem to have been saved from the chaos of sickness. I am really enjoying this cool weather, it is making it easier for me to go outside and not get overheated! Here's to FALL!!!

 I have been thinking over these last few days. We used Etsy for CK's Crafting before and it was easy to set up, but the fees were a bit outrageous. Someone mentioned just selling on Facebook, so that is what we are doing for now. I had the idea of trying Shopify as well, but not sure what the fees are like. If you have used Shopify, how was it? Is it expensive to list things? Just trying to make the best decision for my son.

 As I sit here wondering what work at home jobs are real and which are scams, I hear an 8 year old coughing in the other room (YAY allergies and cold season). I keep wondering if taking the time to look for a job is worth it or not, will I miss out on all the fun my kids are having? Will I regret it in a year? 3 years? 10 years? I also wonder if it's the best option, just to get us a little ahead of the bills and make a savings nest. I am trying to trust God and let him take the wheel, but I admit, I struggle with that at times. We are trying to pay down debt and save some money for after baby #6 gets here, but also I am trying to snuggle these big kids before they decide they are too old to hang out with their mom.  Other than survey sites and games that pay pennies, does anyone have an easy work at home job for a mom that homeschools and likes to hang out with her kids?

 After much thought and prayer, I have decided to start CK's Crafting again! My 11 year old (CK) is so excited! I needed the break from the chaos of keeping everything up to date and struggling with keeping my household together after our tragic loss. I feel that now is a good time to start it up again, because I feel good...mostly. I have more good days than bad days. Although we miss River, this is something that my son really enjoys and its good for him to have a little spending money. We are on Facebook as CK's Crafting. Here is the link: https://www.facebook.com/share/g/Mmiu68KX2TXE6QUs/ Even if you don't want to buy anything, support is everything. Like, share, join!

 I know this isn't my normal, pregnancy/loss post, but this is family related. Why is America so crazy? Why do parents have to have multiple jobs and income streams to be able to survive anymore? My husband works one job full time and is looking for another job (or two), because it is not enough anymore. Inflation has ruined our chance of buying healthy food, because it is cheaper to buy a bag of chips, rather than the supplies for a salad. I work my butt off trying to do surveys and games to bring in a couple dollars to help pay for gas, but it's hard to get a real job while homeschooling 4 kids and pregnant. Just think about us in your prayers please. If you have any jobs that I could possibly do with the chaos in my life, send them my way!

 I lost my sweet River Willow in December 2023 and it killed me inside. I was lost and confused. I was hurt. I couldn't understand why I lost my baby, when I was doing everything right. I asked myself constantly, if it was my fault and why did I allow this to happen. I still struggle with not knowing why I lost River, but I am surviving the grief. Some days it overwhelms me and I am learning that it's okay to grieve River and carry on, although it is a hard road.  I have some good news (a new beginning). I am pregnant again, I am happy, yet I struggle with allowing joy through the grief. I am 20 weeks and I am finally getting my baby girl that I have prayed for after 4 boys and an unknown. The grief from a loss, then a pregnancy has made this difficult. I try to be happy, but I also, feel almost guilty for being happy.  If you have had a rainbow baby, how did you not feel guilty? How did you get through the hard parts of pregnancy and not have insane amounts of anxiety th...

 No one told me how hard it was going to be to plan a vacation during a time when I should still be pregnant, yet I am not. I think of what I would like to eat while pregnant, but then I remind myself, no reason to keep any foods away. It stings deep down, knowing that we don't do vacations on years I give birth, but here I am, planning one because my mental health is so bad. If I don't get away, I fear for how much worse I will be mentally. I keep telling myself that it's okay to be sad and it's also okay to be happy and enjoy myself, but it feels like I am betraying River if I am happy. This is a very confusing time for me. I want to show joy and enjoy every moment, but I am still not there yet.

 I bought groceries recently and they were out of a brand of snack bars I like, so I bought a different one. Not a big deal...or so I thought. This morning I grabbed one to eat and my first thought was, " I wonder if baby is gonna like this." I'm not pregnant anymore, there is no baby to like or dislike whatever food I choose to eat, yet my brain wondered. It hit hard when I realized what I thought. I was never informed of the depths of pain I would feel at times and the thoughts that would ravage my mind. I sit here and wonder, what horrible pain is still to come. When will it hit? Will it hurt as much as this last thought? Does it get easier?

 I don't have much to say today. I should have been 20 weeks today, but instead, I am grieving what could have been.

 Does anyone else love all this rain we have been getting? Sure it makes it hard to do a lot outside, but it fills our well and that is the top priority. I wish it would not rain where my husband is working since he works outside and some machines don't work in it, but I love it when it rains at our house. We get literal puddles, the kind you want to jump in, but you don't know how deep they are, so you hold yourself back. Our chicken likes it too, it means more bugs for her to find.  My kids like it too, but as deep as some of these puddles are, I would never find them in their "swimming" holes.  If the rain would like to turn into snow, I would be extremely happy and full of gratitude!

 Tears falling. I don't know what to say anymore. I don't get asked how I am anymore. Everyone has moved on, but I can't. Or maybe I don't want to, I'm not sure. It feels like I am forgetting River if I move on. Some days are definitely easier than others, but some days...boy, they are literal torture. I cried multiple times in Target last night. I skipped over the baby aisles but still saw the maternity section. I dream of who and what River would be. I am torn over wanting River to be a girl (but that means I lost my first daughter) or a boy (which means I lost my 5th son), both hurt, and both suck. I still dream of having a daughter, but I am so scared that this will happen again. Indeed, you don't know what this is like until it happens to you. I was always so empathetic to friends who lost a baby, but I never truly knew how much they hurt. It is the only loss where the death happens in your body, but it isn't your death. It is a pain that can not be ful...

 I named my sweet baby, River Willow. I picked that name out because it meant something to me in my pain. I received a card from someone today, they called my baby Forest. Never did I think of the name Forest, I actually don't like the name. The hurt I felt when I saw that. The pain that stabbed me in the heart, when I saw that someone called my baby a different name. If River had lived, it wouldn't have mattered, it has happened multiple times with my 4 older kids, but the fact that this sweet child is gone, do not say their name wrong. You could stab me in the heart, and it would hurt less. I want to say something to this person, but I won't, I will hold it in and cry...a lot. We have to do better, call a baby by their name, it means something to their parents. Don't break their heart again.

 Do you ever feel like life just won't slow down? Some days I try to do everything and then, life hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel overwhelmed and can't calm down. Well this week, my husband has an out-of-state trip and we are halfway through it, YAY! The last one was 4 days and all 4 kids, plus me had flu A. It was miserable, but the kids slept a lot so we just rested as much as possible and watched TV. I cried quite a lot during that time because I felt so tired from taking care of the kids, not taking care of me, and still grieving baby River. This time, everyone is healthy, but they are going full throttle and I am tired. I am worn out. Today I would have been 19 weeks and the grief is overwhelming me today. I knew that this week was going to be a bit chaotic, so I made a meal plan and crafts to keep the kids busy. We also have school, cooking, taking care of our animals, laundry, showers, dishes, cleaning the whole house, and on and on and on. It is a lot today, but...

 Does anybody else just wish bills would disappear? You get paid, just for every last cent to be spent on bills. It is hard, especially when the company you or your spouse work for, doesn't do pay raises unless you get a higher position, even if you have worked there for a while. Although inflation goes up, pay stays the same and honestly, I think that is wrong. If your workers can't even afford to pay their basic bills, then they get a second job, which means for some, working 7 days a week with no break or family time. This isn't living, it's not even surviving, and it sure as heck isn't thriving. My husband works 2 jobs and we still struggle with our bills. We were able to lower one, but how much is that really going to help, when he is so tired, that he can't work. At what point does an employer notice that an employee is struggling and notice the inflation keeps rising, then say, wait 6 more months, then come talk to me? This is just the top boss, while low...

https://ckscrafting.etsy.com Just a few items that my 10-year-old makes and sells!

 I remember being 5 years old and wanting to be a ballerina or even a veterinarian. Life didn't fall into place the way I would have wanted it to. Instead, I am a stay-at-home mom of 4 boys, with a sweet angel baby. We have a mini homestead, that I would seriously like to grow and it is everything I could have dreamed of, plus more. I still want more animals (cue the song "Never Enough" from The Greatest Showman). My kids love the ability to learn to homestead, and I am enjoying the experience with them. We bake homemade bread, and our mixes (brownies, muffins, and pancakes) from scratch, and when our chicken lays eggs, we have fresh eggs. We are trying to be self-sufficient and we are one step closer every day.  I never knew that my dreams would turn into this, but I am all for it!

 I wanted to say something yesterday, but I didn't have the words. I'm not sure if I have the words now either but River deserves my thoughts.  1. I am angry. I am angry at myself. I am angry at God. I am angry at the stress that I went through during early pregnancy. 2. My heart hurts. Now most people ask, Just emotionally right? It's physically hurting and emotionally cracked in half.  3. I hate my body. It failed. It failed at a time when I needed it to be supportive and work properly, but it didn't. 4. I miss River. No, I never technically met River, but there is a closeness that a mom and preborn baby have. I may have never met River, but I knew River.  5. I cry...a lot. I cry when I see something that I craved during pregnancy. I cry when I eat something that I couldn't have during pregnancy. I cry when I see a small infant. I cry when I see a pregnant mom. I cry when I go into stores and see the baby aisles. I cry when I see baby clothes that I would have wan...

Homeschooling took an extended break in our home. We were going to hit the ground running after 1st trimester morning sickness, but I lost River and struggled to get going again. My oldest is now back to working hard at 6th grade and trying to get through the review sections, so he can get to 7th grade. My 2nd son struggles with reading, so we are taking time to practice that while letting him practice real-life scenarios, like math skills are budgeting for meals, and cooking (measurements). He is in 2nd grade and zooming through all but reading. Mr. 5-year-old is in a mixture of Preschool and Kindergarten. He can recognize many letters but is not quite ready to read. He is a wild child and needs lots of breaks and playtime. My 2-year-old is in playschool. We talk about colors, play with blocks, sing songs, and just have fun, but he will not be ready for sit-down school for a while longer. When I hear that parents don't feel they are equipped to homeschool it bothers me. I didn...

 When CK wants to make something, he wants to make it now. I usually allow it, but sometimes, I tell him he needs to wait. Well, last night he really wanted to make new keychains, but his beads were not separated. If you have ever had to separate around 4,000 pony beads, it is time-consuming. I helped him and we took about 2 full hours doing it, but he said he would keep them separated from now on. He decided to make snakes today as keychains. If you don't mind checking out his Etsy page, it would mean the world to him. Thanks! ckscrafting.etsy.com

 My son "owns" CK's Crafting on Etsy with me. He is 10 years old and wanted a way to make a little money. Well, he now has 3 items on Etsy for sale. He has Rainbow Loom bracelets, rings, and pony bead keychains (Hello 90s). If you don't mind checking it out that would mean the world to him. Thank you! Sales are happening soon!  Jan. 16-Feb. 7, 2024 (35% off 5 or more items) Jan. 22-Feb. 19, 2024 (25% off 1 or more items) These are fun for Valentine's Day or just a cute gift. ckscrafting.etsy.com