New (and Somewhat Hurtful) Beginnings

 I lost my sweet River Willow in December 2023 and it killed me inside. I was lost and confused. I was hurt. I couldn't understand why I lost my baby, when I was doing everything right. I asked myself constantly, if it was my fault and why did I allow this to happen. I still struggle with not knowing why I lost River, but I am surviving the grief. Some days it overwhelms me and I am learning that it's okay to grieve River and carry on, although it is a hard road. 

I have some good news (a new beginning). I am pregnant again, I am happy, yet I struggle with allowing joy through the grief. I am 20 weeks and I am finally getting my baby girl that I have prayed for after 4 boys and an unknown. The grief from a loss, then a pregnancy has made this difficult. I try to be happy, but I also, feel almost guilty for being happy. 


If you have had a rainbow baby, how did you not feel guilty? How did you get through the hard parts of pregnancy and not have insane amounts of anxiety that it could happen again?

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