A Little Bit of Crazy

 I bought groceries recently and they were out of a brand of snack bars I like, so I bought a different one. Not a big deal...or so I thought. This morning I grabbed one to eat and my first thought was, " I wonder if baby is gonna like this." I'm not pregnant anymore, there is no baby to like or dislike whatever food I choose to eat, yet my brain wondered. It hit hard when I realized what I thought. I was never informed of the depths of pain I would feel at times and the thoughts that would ravage my mind. I sit here and wonder, what horrible pain is still to come. When will it hit? Will it hurt as much as this last thought? Does it get easier?

 I don't have much to say today. I should have been 20 weeks today, but instead, I am grieving what could have been.

 Does anyone else love all this rain we have been getting? Sure it makes it hard to do a lot outside, but it fills our well and that is the top priority. I wish it would not rain where my husband is working since he works outside and some machines don't work in it, but I love it when it rains at our house. We get literal puddles, the kind you want to jump in, but you don't know how deep they are, so you hold yourself back. Our chicken likes it too, it means more bugs for her to find.  My kids like it too, but as deep as some of these puddles are, I would never find them in their "swimming" holes.  If the rain would like to turn into snow, I would be extremely happy and full of gratitude!

 Tears falling. I don't know what to say anymore. I don't get asked how I am anymore. Everyone has moved on, but I can't. Or maybe I don't want to, I'm not sure. It feels like I am forgetting River if I move on. Some days are definitely easier than others, but some days...boy, they are literal torture. I cried multiple times in Target last night. I skipped over the baby aisles but still saw the maternity section. I dream of who and what River would be. I am torn over wanting River to be a girl (but that means I lost my first daughter) or a boy (which means I lost my 5th son), both hurt, and both suck. I still dream of having a daughter, but I am so scared that this will happen again. Indeed, you don't know what this is like until it happens to you. I was always so empathetic to friends who lost a baby, but I never truly knew how much they hurt. It is the only loss where the death happens in your body, but it isn't your death. It is a pain that can not be ful...

 I named my sweet baby, River Willow. I picked that name out because it meant something to me in my pain. I received a card from someone today, they called my baby Forest. Never did I think of the name Forest, I actually don't like the name. The hurt I felt when I saw that. The pain that stabbed me in the heart, when I saw that someone called my baby a different name. If River had lived, it wouldn't have mattered, it has happened multiple times with my 4 older kids, but the fact that this sweet child is gone, do not say their name wrong. You could stab me in the heart, and it would hurt less. I want to say something to this person, but I won't, I will hold it in and cry...a lot. We have to do better, call a baby by their name, it means something to their parents. Don't break their heart again.

 Do you ever feel like life just won't slow down? Some days I try to do everything and then, life hits me like a ton of bricks and I feel overwhelmed and can't calm down. Well this week, my husband has an out-of-state trip and we are halfway through it, YAY! The last one was 4 days and all 4 kids, plus me had flu A. It was miserable, but the kids slept a lot so we just rested as much as possible and watched TV. I cried quite a lot during that time because I felt so tired from taking care of the kids, not taking care of me, and still grieving baby River. This time, everyone is healthy, but they are going full throttle and I am tired. I am worn out. Today I would have been 19 weeks and the grief is overwhelming me today. I knew that this week was going to be a bit chaotic, so I made a meal plan and crafts to keep the kids busy. We also have school, cooking, taking care of our animals, laundry, showers, dishes, cleaning the whole house, and on and on and on. It is a lot today, but...

 Does anybody else just wish bills would disappear? You get paid, just for every last cent to be spent on bills. It is hard, especially when the company you or your spouse work for, doesn't do pay raises unless you get a higher position, even if you have worked there for a while. Although inflation goes up, pay stays the same and honestly, I think that is wrong. If your workers can't even afford to pay their basic bills, then they get a second job, which means for some, working 7 days a week with no break or family time. This isn't living, it's not even surviving, and it sure as heck isn't thriving. My husband works 2 jobs and we still struggle with our bills. We were able to lower one, but how much is that really going to help, when he is so tired, that he can't work. At what point does an employer notice that an employee is struggling and notice the inflation keeps rising, then say, wait 6 more months, then come talk to me? This is just the top boss, while low...