Surprise!

Baby #5 is on the way! 

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Not a happy update

 Sweet baby River Willow was born on December 15, 2023. I was 13 weeks and 3 days pregnant, and River stopped growing at 10 weeks and 2 days (Thanksgiving). My heart is broken and I struggle with my anger and hate for myself. Why couldn't I keep my baby alive? Why did God take River? Everyone tells me it isn't my fault, but I don't believe it. How did I mess up so badly, that I lost my baby? I had stopped all caffeine, and I was eating healthy, when I could eat (thanks to morning sickness), how did I fail my baby? I followed "the rules" of pregnancy, yet here I am a little over 3 weeks later, full of anger and hatred. I sucked at eating and following "the rules" with my first 4 kids, but they were healthy and perfect at birth. I know I will never know what happened until I ask God in Heaven, but I have to live with this hurt and overwhelming sadness for the rest of my life. People have told me that I should be happy that I have 4 healthy boys already, bu...
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Homeschool

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Homeschooling took an extended break in our home. We were going to hit the ground running after 1st trimester morning sickness, but I lost River and struggled to get going again. My oldest is now back to working hard at 6th grade and trying to get through the review sections, so he can get to 7th grade. My 2nd son struggles with reading, so we are taking time to practice that while letting him practice real-life scenarios, like math skills are budgeting for meals, and cooking (measurements). He is in 2nd grade and zooming through all but reading. Mr. 5-year-old is in a mixture of Preschool and Kindergarten. He can recognize many letters but is not quite ready to read. He is a wild child and needs lots of breaks and playtime. My 2-year-old is in playschool. We talk about colors, play with blocks, sing songs, and just have fun, but he will not be ready for sit-down school for a while longer. When I hear that parents don't feel they are equipped to homeschool it bothers me. I didn...
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Why God by Austin French

If you had asked me after my papa died, did I still believe God is good, I would have emphatically said YES! He saved my papa from a life that would have been painful and difficult. He had lived his life and it was a good one. He had 6 grandchildren who loved him and 2 children who thought the world of him. He was amazing and had a great life. People have made comments since I lost River. Simple comments that many people don't even realize they are making. "At least River didn't feel pain", "Imagine what it is going to feel like when you get to Heaven and you hear that little voice that yells Mama!!!!", "Just think, River closed their eyes and opened them to the face of Jesus", none of these comments make me feel good inside. They hurt. I question God daily, does He really love me, why would He cause River to die, is He really good? My sweet baby didn't even have a chance to live, to enjoy life. I am numb most of the day, then it hits me hard b...
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