Surprise!

Baby #5 is on the way! 

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Not a happy update

 Sweet baby River Willow was born on December 15, 2023. I was 13 weeks and 3 days pregnant, and River stopped growing at 10 weeks and 2 days (Thanksgiving). My heart is broken and I struggle with my anger and hate for myself. Why couldn't I keep my baby alive? Why did God take River? Everyone tells me it isn't my fault, but I don't believe it. How did I mess up so badly, that I lost my baby? I had stopped all caffeine, and I was eating healthy, when I could eat (thanks to morning sickness), how did I fail my baby? I followed "the rules" of pregnancy, yet here I am a little over 3 weeks later, full of anger and hatred. I sucked at eating and following "the rules" with my first 4 kids, but they were healthy and perfect at birth. I know I will never know what happened until I ask God in Heaven, but I have to live with this hurt and overwhelming sadness for the rest of my life. People have told me that I should be happy that I have 4 healthy boys already, bu
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Planning a vacation

 No one told me how hard it was going to be to plan a vacation during a time when I should still be pregnant, yet I am not. I think of what I would like to eat while pregnant, but then I remind myself, no reason to keep any foods away. It stings deep down, knowing that we don't do vacations on years I give birth, but here I am, planning one because my mental health is so bad. If I don't get away, I fear for how much worse I will be mentally. I keep telling myself that it's okay to be sad and it's also okay to be happy and enjoy myself, but it feels like I am betraying River if I am happy. This is a very confusing time for me. I want to show joy and enjoy every moment, but I am still not there yet.
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The Hurt of a Wrong Name

 I named my sweet baby, River Willow. I picked that name out because it meant something to me in my pain. I received a card from someone today, they called my baby Forest. Never did I think of the name Forest, I actually don't like the name. The hurt I felt when I saw that. The pain that stabbed me in the heart, when I saw that someone called my baby a different name. If River had lived, it wouldn't have mattered, it has happened multiple times with my 4 older kids, but the fact that this sweet child is gone, do not say their name wrong. You could stab me in the heart, and it would hurt less. I want to say something to this person, but I won't, I will hold it in and cry...a lot. We have to do better, call a baby by their name, it means something to their parents. Don't break their heart again.
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