Surprise!

Baby #5 is on the way! 

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4 weeks

 I never expected this blog to become a journal of sorts for my miscarriage, but here we are. Broken. Overwhelmed. Hurt. Angry. Fear of the unknown. Scared. Unsure. These are all feelings that I have gone through every day since I lost River. It feels like my heart literally broke into tiny pieces and I am stuck searching for the missing pieces. I have no hope of ever putting it back together fully, but I hope over time, I can place them all in the same place. I feel overwhelmed with all of the feelings and I am not used to having all of this chaos in my mind all the time. I have had postpartum depression and anxiety after 3 kids, so overwhelming chaos is normal, but this is different. I am hurt, I feel it's my fault and I did something wrong, so my whole body aches without River. I am angry, angry at myself, angry at God, angry at my midwife, and angry at the ER that I went to and found out about River. I have fear, fear that I may never be able to carry a child to birth again, fe...
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Why God by Austin French

If you had asked me after my papa died, did I still believe God is good, I would have emphatically said YES! He saved my papa from a life that would have been painful and difficult. He had lived his life and it was a good one. He had 6 grandchildren who loved him and 2 children who thought the world of him. He was amazing and had a great life. People have made comments since I lost River. Simple comments that many people don't even realize they are making. "At least River didn't feel pain", "Imagine what it is going to feel like when you get to Heaven and you hear that little voice that yells Mama!!!!", "Just think, River closed their eyes and opened them to the face of Jesus", none of these comments make me feel good inside. They hurt. I question God daily, does He really love me, why would He cause River to die, is He really good? My sweet baby didn't even have a chance to live, to enjoy life. I am numb most of the day, then it hits me hard b...
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