A Little Bit of Crazy

 No one told me how hard it was going to be to plan a vacation during a time when I should still be pregnant, yet I am not. I think of what I would like to eat while pregnant, but then I remind myself, no reason to keep any foods away. It stings deep down, knowing that we don't do vacations on years I give birth, but here I am, planning one because my mental health is so bad. If I don't get away, I fear for how much worse I will be mentally. I keep telling myself that it's okay to be sad and it's also okay to be happy and enjoy myself, but it feels like I am betraying River if I am happy. This is a very confusing time for me. I want to show joy and enjoy every moment, but I am still not there yet.

 I bought groceries recently and they were out of a brand of snack bars I like, so I bought a different one. Not a big deal...or so I thought. This morning I grabbed one to eat and my first thought was, " I wonder if baby is gonna like this." I'm not pregnant anymore, there is no baby to like or dislike whatever food I choose to eat, yet my brain wondered. It hit hard when I realized what I thought. I was never informed of the depths of pain I would feel at times and the thoughts that would ravage my mind. I sit here and wonder, what horrible pain is still to come. When will it hit? Will it hurt as much as this last thought? Does it get easier?